Gender used to be, at least for me, a very simple and straightforward thing. There were boys and there were girls, and I was the latter. But just like sexuality, gender, as it turns out, is a very broad spectrum that isn’t as simple as two options. There’s stuff in between. And it’s that stuff that has confused me for many, many years. But I never really let myself think about it because I was raised to believe there was nothing more than simply boy and girl. I was in relationships where I was forced into a stereotypical feminine role. So that became my reality. But as it turns out, it’s actually not. And just like my sexuality, I’m figuring it out while I go.
You see, I can talk on and on about my sexuality and give you a very specific label that fits just right for me and is so long it’s almost ridiculous. Because technically I’m demipanromantic demipansexual. (Basically means I can fall in love with and be sexually attracted with any gender IF I feel a close connection to them.) I KNOW. That’s just stupid to read. So you know what I do? I just say I’m queer. But then people look at me and say: “BUT BEE. You have a boyfriend and a daughter.” That’s right, I do. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m queer. Just as me being queer doesn’t change the fact that I wholly adore my small little family. And I still firmly believe me and my SO were meant to be.
But then gender pops up. And it’s one of the most confusing things I’ve ever come across in my life. The more I get to know people from all across the spectrum, the more I’m confused about where I fit in that broad, ever-expanding spectrum. After my pregnancy, giving birth and early motherhood, I was more confused than ever. Because it’s such a female thing. Having a baby. Isn’t it? But I was so uncomfortable and miserable. Mostly due to hormones. And it just made me question things even more.
So I did some soul searching, and I talked with friends familiar with the struggle, and I talked to my SO. He suggested that I may be mirroring. And maybe I am. Maybe I long to be special and unique so much, in the hopes people will finally notice me, that I somehow convince myself I’m like the ones I admire. Maybe I just want to belong to the community.
Or maybe I don’t. Maybe I do have a place in that broad spectrum that’s just right for me and fits perfectly with who I am as a person. And maybe it’s not what I thought it to be most of my life. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe I’m non-binary, or demigirl to be more specific. Or maybe I’m just figuring things out. And maybe, all of that is okay.
But then I wonder if it really matters. It’s just another label, and I already have enough of those. It also doesn’t change who I am. It just gives me another way to identify myself. And that’s okay! But it’s not something everyone in my life should know. So instead of shouting from the top of my lungs about my new revelation, I’m just going to say one thing quietly.
Hello, I’m Bee, and I’m queer.
Diary of a Blue Bee 
This is such a thoughtful post, Bee! I think it’s totally normal to question stuff- especially as it becomes so much more prevalent in our lives. Maybe you didn’t question before because you didn’t know you could, which I think probably happens for a lot of people. I know when I was younger, I often felt like I didn’t fit in with other girls because they like, were interested in stuff I just wasn’t. I think I am a lot like you in that I definitely am NOT attracted to anyone unless I have a close connection, and when all my friends were like, fawning all over guys, and wearing makeup, and obsessed with their appearance, I just… could not have possibly cared less. So yeah, I know back in those days (we’re talking like, mid 1990s) there was no real questioning happening- it was just “huh I feel weird”. Now, I think there’s nothing wrong with ANY of it- feeling like a specific gender, not feeling like one, questioning it, not questioning it… it’s just part of the journey of self-discovery, and frankly, I think that is a never-ending journey anyway. So I agree that it is completely fine, and probably HEALTHY, to be asking these questions! In my mind, introspection is NEVER a bad thing!
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